I'm sure everyone, no matter what your profession/age/culture, has felt lost and low once or twice in their lifetime.
I can't exactly say I feel lost, if anything, I'm very much clear on what I want and how I should go about achieving it... but I am feeling incredibly low because I know I am not ready so I can't get there yet.
It's a silly notion really, thinking yourself inadequate or lacking but it is something we've all felt sometimes, especially when you are working really hard but the results are difficult to see.
I am stuck in one of those patterns right now, have been for the past year, where you work hard for the sake of getting work done and fail to stop and really see what it is you are doing, wheatear it is beneficial or not.
Yup, working hard for the sake of working... somewhere along the way, I stopped working smart and if life has taught me anything - that is an easy but BIG mistake to make.
I initially went on hiatus here to just step back and rethink my options. Since then, I've done amazingly well landing a job as an illustrator at a notable games studio and getting promoted to a senior rank after just one year.
The past eighteen months has been a crazy ride of absolute insanity - a remarkable journey for me.
It has both really opened my eyes and yet really distracted me from my goals and objectives.
Or I guess the better way to say it is that my goals have changed in their context while their purpose have remained the same.
And this is where the feelings of inadequacy come in. I know what I want, I know how to get it but I also KNOW I am not ready to get there yet.
So... change of plans
You guys have no idea how much it saddens me to say Redemption won't be back in January knowing I still have months to go and could, given the sheer amount of work already produced, meet the deadline I set myself.
It would have been its 10th year anniversary too, perfect date for a return, just to pour salt over wounds.
But I am not ready yet, not for what I really want... and I refuse to re-launch it just for the sake of being back knowing it will not meet the standards (LOL and knowing me will probably end up getting scrapped
I've learned a lot these past few months, a lot more about myself and my practice than I thought possible. I need time to adjust to these new ways of thinking and right now doing work just for the sake of doing something is not good enough.
The last time I really stepped away and had the chance to look back at where I was going, it changed my life. I would not have become a professional artist otherwise, all things illustration related would have remained a hobby and I wouldn't be here writing this to you guys.
I'm going to invest that time to just step back again, to really see what I can do to achieve my goals.
Also there are TONS of stuff I need to catch up on. Their weight really is dragging me down so I am not going to venture on anything new until I have settled past commitments.
With that said, new strategy:
- Finishing the manga projects are on hold until I explore their style further. I will carry on doing their concepts and designs and page layouts but I have yet to decide where I'm really going to take them.
And who knows? Maybe, if I do have a break through in direction, Redemption will be back in January
- I will finish my ridiculously overdue commission list even if it kills me >__<
I learned my lesson the hard way, if I were to ever open for commissions again, I will set achievable slot limits and won't do waiting lists and account for all the crazy that goes on in my life so I won't get into this mess again <__<;;;
- Conventions XD I'll be back doing the convention rounds with fresh new illustrations from October onwards again, I just miss them too much ^__^
- Long awaited Artbook... I've had several really good ideas which I've been meaning to work on, telling myself to make them into a book will just motivate me more XD
- Update portfolio... I'm going to start doing more variety of things and it's kinda depressing that the last fully rendered piece posted here is from two years ago o__O;;;
LOL well, I hope you guys will be pleasantly surprised by how I've improved/changed XD
So not really all that different, I will still be back with two new manga projects and new illustrations for next year sometime. Just shuffling some things around, priorities first!
Meanwhile as mentioned in my previous journal, for those wishing to see what crazy mess I make when I sketch, this is my Tumblr account: negshin.tumblr.com/
Thank you as always... and watch this space, I've too much fight in me to just give up. Instead, big things are coming